Driven Down the Wrong Path

I cannot help but wonder if I have lost my ambition. I guess I started wondering where my drive had gone when my sister commented on the fact that I was terribly driven in high school. I stayed up late to do homework and to study. I got straight A's and felt like a failure if I received anything lower than a 95 on an exam. Where did that kind of drive come from? I have this horrific memory from 4th grade where I procrastinated on our big California Missions project. I ended up doing the report all on one night, after the due date. And I slipped it onto the teacher's desk several days after the deadline. Mrs. Jordan, bless her heart, had seen it all the tricks in the book and couldn't be so easily fooled. I was caught red-handed and punished accordingly. My mom was horrified. So, I definitely wasn't driven in 4th grade. Maybe junior high? I am not sure.

What I do know is that the kind of maniacal work ethic I possessed in high school certainly dissipated by the time I entered college. I cared about school, but I was much more interested in uncovering passion and purpose. Sometimes, I wonder if I studied comparative literature as kind of an easy way out. I don't mean to imply that literature demands less talent, discipline, and intellect than other academic pursuits. But, for someone who has always written with comfort, was choosing literature as a major the equivalent of settling? I have been wondering what my life would be like if I had studied biology or engineering.

Resolved? Dissolved

Okay, turns out resolve is like a leaf in the wind--just when you think you've got it in place, it blows the other direction. Literally 2 hours after rediscovering my resolve and even solidifying my grasp of it (as evidenced by a blog entry), I started feeling slightly panicky again. All of the nervy thoughts flashed through my head--what am I doing wrong? why does it seem like everyone and her cousin is finding a job but me? how am I going to afford health care come the end of this month? should I sign up at a temp agency? why in the world did I talk about that during the interview? why did I major in comparative literature again?

I knew I had to get the lid back on this pandora's box, and quick, before all of the snakes of insecurities slithered out again. Okay, you know the routine. Deep breaths. Serene images. Positive thoughts: Focus on my accomplishments and not my failures. Think about all that I have and not the things that I lack. Conjure up self-confidence as if it were a big, pink bubble gum bubble, full of warmth and sweetness. Now imagine embracing the bubble and letting it absorb me. Yep, that's it. There I go. Slowly, gently. Don't let it burst suddenly. Focus. Or as my Italian classmate would say, Fucus. And don't let it dissolve. Concentrate. There you...oh shit.

Exhausting, right? Tell me about it. I have to live with me. I guess maybe I will forgo the highly regarded bubble gum technique of meditation and just resolve to not dissolve as much as possible during this time.

Resolve

This morning I heard from YU--they decided to go with another candidate. Although I was disappointed--it's been a long road since January--this rejection has also reminded me that I do not want to settle for any ol' position. I need to focus on opportunities that really excite me--like the one general manager position at YU and the account manager at Revolution Foods and the sustainability coordinator at Bentley Prince Street. At 28, I need to take the time to find the right next step for myself. I have spent many years of my twenties trying and experimenting and flitting from here to there. That is fine but, for the first time, I feel in my bones that I am at a different place and time in my life. I don't want to keep trying out things just because it's an opportunity. I am looking for the right oppportunity. And I need to be okay with taking the time to figure what 'right' looks like. I can never be disappointed in myself for trying, but I can definitely be upset if I don't learn from past experiences. I think it's also important to stay focused and on track. There is a reason why I went to Rady and chose to focus on the education and activities that I did. Note to self: Kai, don't be confused by the haze of uncertainty and never stop failing!