Resolved? Dissolved

Okay, turns out resolve is like a leaf in the wind--just when you think you've got it in place, it blows the other direction. Literally 2 hours after rediscovering my resolve and even solidifying my grasp of it (as evidenced by a blog entry), I started feeling slightly panicky again. All of the nervy thoughts flashed through my head--what am I doing wrong? why does it seem like everyone and her cousin is finding a job but me? how am I going to afford health care come the end of this month? should I sign up at a temp agency? why in the world did I talk about that during the interview? why did I major in comparative literature again?

I knew I had to get the lid back on this pandora's box, and quick, before all of the snakes of insecurities slithered out again. Okay, you know the routine. Deep breaths. Serene images. Positive thoughts: Focus on my accomplishments and not my failures. Think about all that I have and not the things that I lack. Conjure up self-confidence as if it were a big, pink bubble gum bubble, full of warmth and sweetness. Now imagine embracing the bubble and letting it absorb me. Yep, that's it. There I go. Slowly, gently. Don't let it burst suddenly. Focus. Or as my Italian classmate would say, Fucus. And don't let it dissolve. Concentrate. There you...oh shit.

Exhausting, right? Tell me about it. I have to live with me. I guess maybe I will forgo the highly regarded bubble gum technique of meditation and just resolve to not dissolve as much as possible during this time.